Stand by my side and walk with me..

stay by myside and walk with me

i had enough of being lonely

aid me in my path choosing

in this life of many crossing

stay by myside and walk with me

the perfect person, i may not be

promise I made, to do my best

to put your fears down to rest

stay by myside and walk with me

together we'll create our own destiny

a place in this world for you and me

and forever we'll be for eternity

2009 Reflections..

It's been a while since my last entry. It's already near the end of 2009.

In less than 4 weeks to be precise. Reflecting back what have I achieve and lost throughout the year:

1. Got a new job at the end of 2008. Brilliant at first. asphyxiated in the later stages. It's not because of the management. It's the projects. I could say I have only interest in one. The other 2 (including the one I'm working on

right now is totally out of my preference list. Felt a bit cheated because during the interview, the questions are about web and enterprise technology.

But what I'm working on most of the time is coding desktop apps which is totally boring to me. Yeah it's Java but I'm more the business logic kind of guy that processes the data and interacts with the DB. Not the GUI designing kind of person. I prefer to work with things that matters which is the information itself, not the way it is represented. I guess I'm in the wrong place. My teammates are not that fun kind of people. I could say that they are nerds. always too serious about the work. (I know some people view me as a nerd too. But I view myself the contrary, I am a geek. although geeks have about the same traits as nerds do but we have a life and we know how to have fun ). And oh, the 'Ching Chong Ching Chong' speak too. Could you please show some respect and speak language that I can understand when I am around especially when I can hear my name mentioned in that 'Ching Chong Ching Chong' speak of yours? that is the main reason why I rather hang out with people on other teams than of my own. Seriously demotivated. If not for my understanding boss and encouragement from my dear, I would have left.

2. I decided to improve myself on the technical skills. Found myself to be quite outdated. well, currently Im looking forward to learn and study Design Patterns. Don't want to stay a 'duct tape programmer' or 'cowboy coder' forever. Need to learn 1337 developers knowledge. And oh, I've been studying Scala, Python and Ruby too. Ruby on Rails is packed with pure awesomeness I would say. If only I have some friends whom I could share with. But sadly, most of them are not into programming. too hard, boring, blablabla are the common excuse. If only they know that actually, it's not that hard. Well, for me, it's more like playing with puzzles except that you can devise your own solution to it. There is always more than one way to solve the whole problem. But then, I guess they're just aren't interested in intellectual challenging puzzles.

3. Well, I don't know if it is too early to say. But I guess I found my soulmate. A true one. Been with her for nearly 7 months. We had arguments but none falls into the serious category and I can say that I am really happy with her. It must be true of what people said that 'we met the worng partners in order for us to improve our weakness before we meet the right person'. Looking back on myself, I was the uptight kind of guy and easily angered. But all I do now is just take the matter as it is if there is nothing I can do about it. We already planned to get together next year. Hope that everything will work out fine.

There's a lot more that I would like to store here. Maybe next time.

My Personal Spring AOP notes

advice - a method that is called in a Spring classic AOP process.

• MethodBeforeAdvice - must implement the method before(Method method, Object[] args, Object target) throws Throwable on the proxy object before calling the actual object's method.

• AfterReturnAdvice - must implement the method afterReturning(Object returnValue, Method method, Object[] args, Object target) throws Throwable on the proxy object after calling the actual object's method.

• ThrowingAdvice - invoked when an exception defined in the method implementation of this interface is being thrown. The interface did not declare any method but to implement this advice, the method must match either afterThrowing( e) or afterThrowing(Method method, Object[] args, Object target).
  

• MethodInterceptor

pointcut - if we want to advise only some of the methods in an interface, the methods are called pointcuts. Advises will be applied only on these specific methods.

...

Am i going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?

An evening

Hyper mode before iftar.

Ahlan ya Ramadhan..

"Demi matahari dan sinarnya di pagi hari.
Demi bulan apabila ia mengiringi.
Demi siang hari bila menampakkan dirinya.
Demi malam apabila ia melitupi.
Demi langit beserta seluruh binaannya.
Demi bumi serta yang ada di hamparannya.
Demi jiwa dan seluruh penyempurnaannya
Maka diilhamkanNya kejahatan dan takwa
Sesungguhnya menanglah orang2 yang membersihkan dirinya
Dan kerugianlah orang-orang yang mengotori dirinya"

- As-Syams 1-10

a bucket of crapshit!

Seriously right now I'm really fed up doing this crap project.
I don't understand a damn thing of what the codes are about and I really feel like the times I'm spending on it are just a serious waste of time. A bucket load of shit.

Why the heck when I felt like I can start to contribute to the project without depending on another person, they just shove a new project to us. I'm tired and fed up with this kind of working style. I don't get the sense of accomplishment of finishing a project. Sigh.

Yes, I am flexible but not that kind of flexible where you can just shove me anything and expect me to gobble it up just like that.

Should I start to look around again? blerghhhh..

...

seeing sparks and glimpse of what could have been..
to nearly have it in my grasp..
but to have it all taken away..
and never to really have a taste of it..
so close..and yet so far..
i rather be dead..
than to be shackled to this awful dreaded place in this empty void..

wishes

I wish that I could control time
making its passage faster or slower to my likings
so that I can feel the sweet moments as if it is forever
and the dark moments pass as if it was never

I wish I could see the future
seeing all the possibilities of what could be
so that I can always have the best solution
and never having anything to fear in my resolution

Shadows on the sand

as the sun slowly sinks
into the ocean on the horizon
it shone it's golden rays
casting shadows on the sand
and there we were hand in hand
strolling on the fine white sand
wading through the rolling waves
staring to each other's smiling face

violet-crimson gradient hue
recolors of what was azure blue
and im thankful that I've shared it all
with a wonderful companion
and that person is you..

sunday May 10, 2009 0630

Knowing...

You know, I mean c’mon I don’t really know whether you know or not. But I assume that you know instead of you don’t know.

You know. Yeah I know. But I can’t help to say that you know. I know it's annoying. But I know that you know. But you don’t show that you know. But you look like you know something..

but would it really matter to you knowing it ?

I think my statement made you curious to know what really I want to let you know…

Honestly, I don’t know…

I don’t know what would become of me. Without you knowing it. Not that I’m trying to get you to notice or that I want your attention. But it's just me. I want you to know. Like you want me to know…

But you know, sometimes things can never be the same. Not all things can turn back and go like it used to be but there is one thing sure do stay..standing still…strong sailing through this ocean of life without knowing the difference of day and night, hours to second. you know it will stay there…I know it's going to stay there…

There are always something we learned in everything that happened around us. You know that. I know that too. but do our hearts know it? it will just go to waste as time fly by…and the one we know going to stay will sail..continue to sail…

I don’t know if you know. But when I read it back. I don’t know whether it made sense or not. I know it is not that easy to put life back into the right track and march to the next destination but sometimes, you know, things you know that will happen, will happen someday. sooner or later

And still yet. I don't really know what I’ve wrote so far…

The universe has it’s own way to work. So do we. We know what needs to be done. And we do it at our best knowledge on how to do it…

but through all the "I-know-you-know" stuff. There is time in life you will feel like wanting to have it all. Then suddenly the table turns and everything seem not to be as it supposed to be. But life life goes on. Memories linger. What we have in the past you brought together and fight for the future…

I don't know if you know.
But I guess, I understand..

.. ... .... ....

gelombang cinta
hilang kuasa
jika penyiar
tak menerima
tolong hubungkan
saya dengannya
walaupun jauh di mata
tetap dekat di hati

.....

Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit,

or because of Tree didn't ask her to stay?

serabut...

...

people don't know about the things I say and do
they don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone far too long
maybe I've forgot all the things I missed
I know somehow there's more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
you get what you put in and people get what they deserve

but I ain't seen mine
no I ain't seen mine
I've been giving but just ain't getting
I've been walking down that line
so I think I'll keep on walking
with my head held high
I'll keep moving on

and only God knows why..

In the depths of despair

Sometimes when I'm alone, I stare back into my chaotic past. In silence, I reminisce the options that I had, wondering if I had chosen the other, would I be better than the way I am right now.

Some friends told me that I am lucky, and how they are envious of my accomplishments that I am able to change from what I was.

In truth, they don't really know of what I've been through; the anger, the grief, the feeling of incapable of anything, the utter disappointment.

Not that I'm ungrateful for what I have now, It's just that knowing that something that you wanted most, is like trying to grasp the heavens, a futile attempt.

And this void inside me, is growing into an abyss.

Maybe it was meant to be that way..

Laments

As much hard that I tried, I still can't get myself fully interested in developing the Netbeans platform. I wonder how much longer could I endure this. As I reflect on the time I spent in the office, most of it, my mind wanders elsewhere and I find myself looking at gadgets, computer games or anything that crosses my mind. Even when I went back home, try as I may reading through the tutorials and the screencasts that I saved to my portable drive, I just couldn't focus. But it was not the same when I read about web frameworks or architectures. My heart is still anchored to web development it seems.

Is there by any chance that we will be developing a web application in the future?I really hoped so..

sigh..

feeling adventurous

months ago after the crazy level 4 (according to the guide) white water rafting in Sg Selangor, I promised myself not to get into any kind of extreme sports ever again.

I don't really know how to swim except on how stay afloat in the water.

But somehow, I don't know why, I got myself hanging and gliding from platform to platform 17meters from the ground for 1km. Google for skytrex adventures if you wanna see some pics and get yourself the idea of the height and what the challenges looks like.

And I am an Acrophobic.

Nonetheless, the experience is exhilarating. each time I look back at the platforms that I jumped from, I just can't believe that I did it. Effin' awesomeness.

And for reasons I also don't know why, I am strongly attracted to the idea of bike trekking. Seems like it's really fun. It's been years since my last bike ride. Now, I found myself looking for a good mountain bike but sadistically, the price for a good mountain bike is bloody expensive. 11 grand for a bike? waddaeff??!! oh well, no bike trekking so soon I guess. Well, can't wait to get my bike soon so because Kiara bike trail is next on my list.

Tag?

What is this tag thing? hmm..6 of my habits/things? oh well, what the heck..

1: I can't live without either the computer or the internet.
2: I hate it when people disturbs me while I'm working on something.
3: I'm a hardcore gamer. Need it to de-stress myself.
4: I like to observe people's behavior and I don't talk much unless with close friends.
5: I love listening to retro music. Today's music kinda sucked and most of the lyrics are pointless that they redefined retardedness down to an indescribable level.
6: I depend on water, don't eat much and no seafood for me. I can live without really eating for days.

okay, that's all..
I'm not going to tag anyone because I don't see the real point of doing this other than answering the questions. hahaha.

Resentment

I hate it when people assigns me something that I'm not familiar with and expects that I can deliver it really fast like I'm super genius brainiac but later gives me the "please hit me both in the face and on the groin" look when I told them that I can't deliver it on their pre-set schedule.

What the F??!! I've never done anything like it before so please understand and don't assign me tasks that I'm not proficient in if you really want it to be done on your pre-set timeline. I'm still learning the whole new shit anyway so for the love of God, gimme some room to breath or please just pass it to someone who really know that shit.


God I hate it when people start to push me around.

The Light

I saw a light today,
as I was there on the chair,
wondering for the day - how should I fare.

Warm and lively,
the light approached me,
gone are the shadows that resides within me.

It shone brightly,
and I was mesmerized by the beauty,
stunning my cerebral cortex,
swirling my heart content into a vortex,
ah, the light is so pleasant,
with its soft intoxicating fragrant,
and I, drifted in a fleet of fantasy..

Why?

I really wonder. Is it too hard to be a software developer? Is this kind of job only suited for geniuses? No, I'm not boasting here. I'm actually sad.

My current company is having walk-in interviews each month since its establishment here in Malaysia. We have openings for more than 40 Java Developers, 10 Senior Java Developers and 15 QA Engineers. So far, it is only dominated by the Chinese people. I'm not being a racist here. The company is not even owned by Chinese. It's a British company and the main interviewer is an Australian guy.

Just that I wonder what happened to all those from my race especially my friends that boasted a lot when they got in the Software Engineer or Information Systems Engineering faculties?

Last time I remember, you guys boasted a lot and even criticized students from other faculties for not being able to be in the popular stream. Today, in the industry, where the hell are you guys hiding? Tech Support?? Call centers? WTH???!! You guys are putting all your knowledge to waste. Might as well exchange faculties with me back there.

And there I was, extending my studies for 2 years just because I didn't get my dream faculty. You guys laughed, kept on making fun of me by asking when will I graduate and boasting that by the time I graduate, you guys will have digits in your paychecks and will be in the managerial level.

Who's having the last laugh now?Seems like I'm in a far more better position currently doing things that I enjoy and love. Damn I hate those people.

New year

I guess it's still not too late for me to wish Happy New Year to everyone.

I'm in the new office right now, relaxing after cramming some server configuration stuff inside my head. New year, new job, new life perspective and hope everything will be great for the year 2009.

2008 was good but not so great. It's been a rough year especially in the mid towards the end. Got caught in a serious personal issue that turned me upside down (don't ask and don't bother looking for it in this blog coz I never intent to write about it anyway) It's a new year by the way. What's done is done. Let bygone be bygones they say. I've recovered although not completely.

As it was before, I'm not going to make any new year resolutions as I already have my targets to achieve in check all the time. Having a target to achieve is essential to keep on advancing in this life and from my own experience, new year resolutions are unlikely to be fulfilled as we always have a change of mind and not to mention that shit always happens no matter how well prepared we are. I believe that we have to adapt to the situation no matter how hard it is and what is coming towards us.

Happy, sad, anger. Those are the things that made this life colorful and wonderful. A painting wouldn't look real if there is only bright and cheerful colors. Too much dark colors will only make it too sad and gloomy. This painting called "Life", should be a mixture of all the colors. That's what makes it beautiful and complete.