In the depths of despair

Sometimes when I'm alone, I stare back into my chaotic past. In silence, I reminisce the options that I had, wondering if I had chosen the other, would I be better than the way I am right now.

Some friends told me that I am lucky, and how they are envious of my accomplishments that I am able to change from what I was.

In truth, they don't really know of what I've been through; the anger, the grief, the feeling of incapable of anything, the utter disappointment.

Not that I'm ungrateful for what I have now, It's just that knowing that something that you wanted most, is like trying to grasp the heavens, a futile attempt.

And this void inside me, is growing into an abyss.

Maybe it was meant to be that way..

Laments

As much hard that I tried, I still can't get myself fully interested in developing the Netbeans platform. I wonder how much longer could I endure this. As I reflect on the time I spent in the office, most of it, my mind wanders elsewhere and I find myself looking at gadgets, computer games or anything that crosses my mind. Even when I went back home, try as I may reading through the tutorials and the screencasts that I saved to my portable drive, I just couldn't focus. But it was not the same when I read about web frameworks or architectures. My heart is still anchored to web development it seems.

Is there by any chance that we will be developing a web application in the future?I really hoped so..

sigh..

feeling adventurous

months ago after the crazy level 4 (according to the guide) white water rafting in Sg Selangor, I promised myself not to get into any kind of extreme sports ever again.

I don't really know how to swim except on how stay afloat in the water.

But somehow, I don't know why, I got myself hanging and gliding from platform to platform 17meters from the ground for 1km. Google for skytrex adventures if you wanna see some pics and get yourself the idea of the height and what the challenges looks like.

And I am an Acrophobic.

Nonetheless, the experience is exhilarating. each time I look back at the platforms that I jumped from, I just can't believe that I did it. Effin' awesomeness.

And for reasons I also don't know why, I am strongly attracted to the idea of bike trekking. Seems like it's really fun. It's been years since my last bike ride. Now, I found myself looking for a good mountain bike but sadistically, the price for a good mountain bike is bloody expensive. 11 grand for a bike? waddaeff??!! oh well, no bike trekking so soon I guess. Well, can't wait to get my bike soon so because Kiara bike trail is next on my list.